shock me sane
I’ve got a few people asking me why I haven’t posted on here in awhile. I have a few reasons. I dont’ feel as if I can go on this with my work as I’d like to. Which in itself could take up 100 blogs alone.
I’ve been extremely down and out. Yesterday I felt like I was crawling in my skin sitting at home, so I decided to retreat to pet smart and visit a few animals there to make me feel better. It kinda was funny because when I got there, there was 6-7 cats, but you couldnt’ get to them cuz the door was locked. I was watching two kittens chase a fly when a worker there stopped and asked if i needed anything. apparently “cat watching” is not something you can do there. I said no, i was just looking at the cats and he gave me a application to adopt. So I just pretended I was interested in viewing them. (the manager apparently was out so nobody could see the cats?). After a minute he says “is there anythign else i can help you with?” I guess just wanting to watch them for a bit is not an option. I almost felt like I was a cat stalker.
So I left. I didn’t want to go back to my empty house so i decided to take a drive. Driving for me these days is just another way for my brain to not stop thinking. I just got real upset and had to end up pulling over and crying in a parking lot bcuz i was just too upset. It’s amazing how many people are in this world, and yet how alone I felt last night. I feel like this city is smothering me. The people here are so beyond comprehension with attitudes and rich folks and at that moment I was wishing I was younger when life was so much more simpler and your friends around every corner to go hang out in their lawns and breathe in the summer air.
i seem to have this every other summer being an awesome one since 96. 2004 was a good one, as well as 05, but 2006 seems to have been that one where I just miss so much. Since I have moved here in september, I’ve had more days where I’m depressed than I have had good ones. And not only is it beating me up, I feel like its going into my relationship and I feel like I’m losing my sanity. If I’m not sad, I’m snappy, and anxious. I thought being home in saginaw would help, but every night I was there, I had a panic attack come on as I was trying to fall asleep.
Just last night after being exhausted of my tears, I went to bed at 10. I layed there and my mind began to wander again. I kept trying to make myself just listen to my fan and not think, but its nearly impossible. I tossed and turned the entire night. I remember 2, 3 and even 5 a.m. when my roommate was leaving for work. I probably got a whole 2 hrs of sleep. They say that when you are use to sleeping with someone that you should sleep in the middle of the bed to try and not think about them not being there. I tried it, doesn’t work.
So I’m not really sure what else to blog about as I feel my time is up right now. I really need a vacation but the thought of not going anywhere and staying home all day for a week, scares the crap out of me. A lot of people like to be alone, but for me, being alone just makes my head race.
