Ang’s Rants and Raves

I dont really have much to say today!  I’m still super dooper tired.  My own fault for going to be late last night and not sleeping a wink the night before.  Steve and I ate Chinese for lunch last night, and for the first time, I wasn’t hungry the rest of the night.  I got the “snacky” craving around 8:30 and baked some french fries that have been sitting in the freezer too long so really only had about 10…just enough!

Since I was on the phone with mom for 2 hrs (or more since the phone cut out twice), I didn’t get a chance to get to the gym.  Dangit. I should have gone before she called.  I was real tired yesterday but today i’m SO tired, i can’t even fathrom trying to get on an eliptical today.  I’m engergyless.

I’ve been doing good with saving money.  Eating at home, $1 spaghettios and special K cereal.  It’s really making a diff. when I do the excel spreadsheet with my daily spendings.  Stupid car insurance.  I’ts always the worst time due.  during summer and than right after xmas in Jan.  Ugh!  I’m already down to PLPD so there isn’t much cheaper i can go on it.. just gotta bite the bullet.

It’s only noon too.  I love the times that I do have something to do, but my lack of training on tax forms (1040’s, Schedule A, B, C, D, E) are non-existant.  I get the two I had done today but I dont want to volunteer. I don’t feel like i’m doing the ones i ‘have’ to do right, let alone screw up any others.

Lesson taught: NEVER EVER take a job where you have turned another one down in another area even if it was 2 years earlier.  They will hold it against you and blackball you until you leave. 

~~~~~A.–I know that you read my blogs, so please remember that this is completely my thoughts again.  No need to freak out about anything I write on here.  :)  Thanks!~~~~

Yesterday, I was not really impressed with the wholistic doctors findings.  My coworker said “thats good”, since there wasn’t much but, I just wasn’t convinced that this guy was for real.  The way to tell is if you arm couldn’t resist when he pressed on it.  One thing he said when he touched the top of my head was “Does your mind race when you are trying to sleep”. At first I thought, whats he talking about??? Well when I went to bed, guess what happened?? My mind started racing.  Since I can remember, and I’m talking 3-4 years old here, I can remember panicking before I go to sleep.  My parents had a humidifier that ran outside our room, we lived in an old house, and I constantly was scared that there was someone breaking in the house and heard noises coming towards my room.  Even with a nightlight, this never eased my worries.  I have no idea where this fear came in my head..especially at such a young age.  But to this DAY, I still have the fright that someone is breaking in.  Sometimes I think something happened to me in a former life.  I end up falling asleep during one of these times, and than wake up in a panic state.  It’s always the same, my heart is racing a mile a minute, and I feel like I can’t breathe and that I’ve convinced myself I’m dying.  Mind you, I never got these constantly when i was young–maybe 1 a year, 2 pushing it.  When I got to college, I found these attacks a lot more prominant after my Dad died.  My worst ones were when I was clinically depressed and had a panic attack I bet once a week.  My doctor blamed it to stress–does that mean i’ve been “stressed” since Kindgergarten?? I really don’t think so.

I have now found since I was diagnosed with asthma at 21, when I take any medication that makes me drowsy or anything like excedrin, or in fact even a diet pill, I have a panic attack with. I convince myself that altho only taking 2 tylenol PM’s, I’ve made myself sleep for the rest of my life…. Almost 95% of the time they happen when I wake up in the middle of the night. 

Since I’ve moved to AA, I’ve had a panic attack at least once a month, maybe more.  Most of the times its when my roommate never comes home.  I fall asleep in that state of mind, and bam.  Last night around midnite, I fell asleep and had a horrible nightmare.  I vividely remember falling asleep and someone was at my door.  I got up to get it.  You know when you can see your reflection through a window.  I saw myself coming towards me, and I instantly got scared.  The more I came towards myself, the more my heart started pounding out of my chest.  I woke myself up and yet again, started panicking.  I thought I was dead.  I seriously felt as if I was laying in a state.  I grabbed the phone and called my boyfriend just to make sure I could actually talk.  I got off the phone 10 sec. later and just exploded in tears. 

I think it has come down to a point that I need to get to the doctor.  I *know* they are going to blame these to stress and its just goin to make me mad. I feel like stress is an easy way out for doctors and whats happening to your body.  5 years ago my hair was falling out in a scary state and the doctor blamed it to that.  I decided to switch birth control medication and it cleared it right up, even after my doctor telling me it wasn’t the cause… I also know I’ve been tired a lot and a little depressed, and I refuse to be put on any type of depression medication again.  I was on it before, and did not like the results and took msyelf off it.

So after this doctor said this to me, I’m convinced.  My head does race.  I think about everything. Even last night I was thinking about what to write in this blog about this situation.  I CANT stop thinking.  No wonder I’m panicking. My brain is trying to tell me to STOP. 

I’m not sure how to end this blog.  Part of me would like to go to this guy last night and say Hey, did you mean panic attacks?? What did you mean by what you said, and is there a herb that I can be taking ot make this stop?? but to pay $40 an office visit for 6 weeks…..thats whats stopping me. 

You can view my weekend blog on myspace.  Sunday I only needed to get bread for breakfast and went to Meijer because the Kroger here doesn’t carry my fav.  Aunt Milly’s Buttermilk bread.  I got to Meijer and all the breads were out.  AH!!! So i grabbed a soft and good, got home and realized it was only 39 cents bcuz it expires on sunday!!! now i have to go to the store again and w/the price of gas and bills…oh man!

My IBS was acting up for 8 days now and yesterday I finally got out of my “drought”. Wow.  I felt 100% better, and my stomach, went WAY down.  To a point i kept staring at it in the mirror for a good 1/2 hour periodically.  Even Steve told me I should weigh myself bcuz it was sooo noticeable.  I stepped on the scale and sure enough, down 2 pounds!!! 5 more to go before the end of June.  I know jogging on the treadmill on sat. morning really helped… so, I just need to stick with it. 

After searching again for my lost gym id, i’m breaking down this afternoon and getting another one issued for $20.  I’ve never lost a school ID before, this is completely boggling me where it is.  I”m sure once I get it, it’ll end up turning up in a few weekes.  Never fails. 

Tonight I”m going to a free seminar about the Digestive System.  I want to see what this Wholistic Doctor recommends taking. It says to bring a support person, but Steve is unable to make it. So any of you out there,  You can check him out at his website and if interested let me know if you are free from 7-8pm.   I’ll blog about it tomorrow!

Finally! the weekend is here…and its raining!! Of course when we have our tripped planned to cleveland!  I’ve come up with an excel spreadsheet that is keeping better track of my bills right now.  With the car insurance due in July and now the ding I have to pay for mom’s car that I did in October, the time to really skimp is going to have to be for awhile.  Yippie, just in time for summer! :0. I got my check today in direct deposit and rushed to pay the sprint bill online since it was due today.  Paid Sarah last night for our hotel upnorth.  Need to go home and get the Visa mailed out, and pray I have enough for the weekend.  We have cut our weekend visit with Lori to tonight and tomorrow.  We’ve also cancelled the Hall of Fame tour, which we can always catch at another time.  $5 cover for tonight and gas to and from.  I’ve got food for dinner 2nite and breakfast tomorrow.  Hopefully we can grab something cheap tomorrow.  Wendy’s 99 cent burger and a water should be just fine to get me through.  After all the eating cereal all week, I was stunned to step on the scale and found I gained a pound.  I’ts not helping my IBS is in full force so I haven’t digested anything in the last 7 days.  So… time to start the colon cleansing again on Monday since I had to stop it when i got sick.  I’m going to have to get my ID redone and pay the $20 fee to go work-out at the gym next week.  Yup, I’m going to attempt to be on the eliptical for at least 45 min. and then walk with amy mon. steve on tues. and just have class on thurs.  Time to get the butt in gear.  This happened last year around this time, and I managed to stop eating fries and pop and that seemed to help a lot.  I don’t know why I lose weight on fast food (as long as I cut out fries), but gain it eating fruits and veggie’s.  It just doesn’t make any sense!  I’m debating shrinking my stomach and doing the atkins for at least 2 weeks.  That would mean getting up 1/2 hour earlier to make bacon, but I did soooo well on that diet, that once I get off, I can barely eat half of what I am use to. WE’ll see, that may just be my brain talking and stomach–no action!

I”m glad yesterday is done.  I had a not so fun day at work.  I left for Kzoo and finally made it to Dr. Smith in time.  I gave him a big hug and was almost in tears.  I missed their office so much. I chatted with marcy and andrea for a good bit talking about how there is no dr. smith in AA, and they agreed.  i got adjusted and he fixed up my right shoulder blade that I knew was off from back when I went to the batting cages a whlie ago.  He couldn’t believe how off I was—I need to find a different doctor in AA, the one I have is not checking all my spots that are off (including the big “headache” spot behind my right ear). I never have written out a check in my life that I knew what bounce, but I had to do it.  I thought it would be the usual $15 copay, but alas, as Marcy rang it through she thought I’d have the “good insurance” but whopped me with a $40 bill.   

Than I went to Mindy’s and visited with her and she trimmed my hair and told me of all the stuff going on.  Her hair has gotten so long! and the color is really awesome too.  I wish I could do something bold like that, but being in the “professional” world, I dont think I can do something so wild.  She has purple highlights in it like Brienne had done.  and not “purple” like one might think, but like a almost reddish purple, and when mixed with other colors, looks really neat!

I stopped by Elaine’s for a minute to chat and then met Luacia for some good ole’ saladays.  I miss that place too.  I left Luacia in tears too.  I miss  my old coworks so much.  Luacia is renting a new spad house, including a jacuzzi and lots of decks in Mattawan, and I guess the old gang is doing movie nights once a week over at her place.  UGH :(.  I was sooooo sad.  I miss going to see so many movies. I don’t miss Kalamazoo, but I sure do miss all the people tied to it.  With the bad day I was having all around, the thoughts of wishing I never would have taken this job had come in my head.  My $125 a month in rent, living with 3 other people, biking with mindy to downtown kzoo, seeing movies, just flashed in front of my eyes. 

As I drove home in the crappiest weather–rainy and fog, the feeling of wanting to just throw up came into play.  I was nausious the whole way home.  After 2 hrs of white knuckling it, I came home to my empty place, and got online and chatted with Lori.  She was down and out as well and so after venting to each other, I called it a night.

Today with this yucky rainy weather, I’m not really feeling much better. I’m “thinking” of taking a part time job for a bit to help with paying off some debt.  Looking at PetSmarts and Petco is making me feel a little better.  If I take one on, I want to like it, and thats about the best place I can think of to be

For the first time in my life I have overdrafted my account.  I’m not sure what the fee will be as I have never done it before, but it hasn’t posted to my account. 

As it stands, I have 7 bills that I have to pay with my next check leaving me with barely anything for the next two weeks.  Looks like $1.00 soup cans are in my future.  At least I still have a paycheck, as Elaine has no more. I can’t imagine what I’d do then.  The realization that you really can travel is hitting me, that thats just not true.  I should have never went to California.  For how much the expense has cost me with two plane tickets and spending for the weekend, I have now  hit the ‘in debt’ status again.  Bills are coming out of my ears to the point, I feel a panic attack coming on.

Now I’m going to have to cut corners as I can this week.  No more Applebee’s salad’s with sarah/laura, just go home and eat cheap.  This weekend we’ve cut down to only driving to ohio, staying at lori’s, and just walking around downtown for the afternoon.  Sarah and I have already locked into a room on the following saturday night that I just can’t get out of.  I’ve now cancelled my Pittsburg trip, Pearl Jam (which my stomach is in knots about), and Tom Petty tickets. Hopefully I can pick up some shifts at Sullivan’s, maybe even on Mother’s Day if its not too late.

Thanks for reading this and letting me vent.  The positive thing is that I have a job to help decrease this mess i put myself in, as two people I know don’t have one (or will not soon).

I have to work 7:30-4 today since I’m leaving right after work for Kzoo.  I just realized I’m in a skirt, so I grabbed a quick outfit to change into since I have a chiro appointment at 5:45.  Thank goodness. Dr. Smith gives the best neck massages ever and I’m going to make sure he gives me one tonight.  Than its off to Mindy to get my desperately needed hair-trim.  The ends are starting to look nasty.  Than meeting Luacia at Saladay’s for a quick dinner before I head back.  I have a feeling its going to be a long day and I’ll be exhausted by the time I get home.

Amy got into our cardio class tomorrow night so that should be exciting! I’ve become addicted to Applebee’s new Pecan Chicken Salad.  I think about it almost every day since last week!  I went to Saginaw to get one, but they didn’t sell them there.  The waitress tried to tell me the Novi Applebee’s is different, but I am doubtful. They are a chain!  Anyway, so I must get them in novi after our thursday work out.  I never realized I’d start craving maderin oranges, blue cheese, and dried cranberries in my salad with dark greens and a great vinegrette.  mmmmmm. heavenly. 

Laura orders a shrimp and spinach salad that looks amazing, but w/o the shrimp of course:).  all this talk about food at 8:05a.m. You know I’m on a diet!!

Steve and I thought it was going to rain yesterday so we just walked around his neighborhood last night.  I saw a cute dog and realized it was one of my coworkers dog’s and we chatted a bit. It’s nice to run into ppl i know here in AA since I know very little and 90% of coworkers commute into AA from all over the area.  Than we got back and watched the rest of Season 2’s Sex and the City.  How lucky am I that my boyfriend WANTS to watch them!! I’ve already watched them though twice, and going on my third. I can’t wait for Season 3, its my favourite!

Now its back to reality of a long day and not being able to get out at lunch.  My weather bug says its supposed to be 76 today, so we’ll see how that turns out!

Brienne and I had a talk on Friday and it looks like she wants to re-sign our lease!  I’m sooo excited to not have to move for the first time in my life after a year.  Wow. The thought of not having to box up stuff is making me sooo giddy :).  You’d think my Mom would be pleased.  I told her she had a year off this year and her response “Can’t you guys find somewhere with a washer and dryer? Your electric bill is awful high”  OM! I was in shock.  nope, no thanks. I’ll stay where I am.  I looked at investing in a w/d but I’m looking at a $1,000 expense, and with all the trips I’ve been taking, that just doesn’t seem possible at this point.  I’ll just have to stick with the laundry place if all else fails.   After talking to Steve, since his lease is up in March, I may have to put the place in my name and have him move in then.  We’ll have 5 months to figure out what we want to do in the meantime.  He’ll have a basement for finally being able to practice his drums and we’ll have more space for the computers.  Yah!  Now I just have to talk to B. about the moving out in march thing.    The point:  Finally, I dont have to move! yay! It feels like a dream

There are lots of little things that have had me thinking in the last few days.  I feel lucky that I’ve met someone so compatible as me. I’m lucky that even after a year, I have grown closer to my boyfriend more than I ever could imagine.  In my past, its always been the opposite, you grow apart.  We still hold hands, he still asks me to marry him every other day.  I couldn’t be luckier. 

Steve and I have our “tuesday walks” where we walk around his and my neighborhood.  We’ve been looking at some houses and its so nice to finally be in a relationship where that person’s outlook is exactly like yours.  We both like the same houses, the park that was in front fo the ones that was for sale, it really puts my mind at ease knowing that I will be living life the way I always loved it to be.  In the past relationship, I knew I’d end up at a house on a lake, prob. in dept with all the “toys” that were purchased and not happy  Yes, I can say that now with ease, but it just took me a long time to realize the “it” that I was missing. 

I believe a phrase came up “settle down”.  I don’t even see myself in a “settle down” mode.  I take that definition and someone doing the norm, getting married, having kids, and not doing anything else for themselves anymore.  I don’t ever want to consider myself “settled down” even if I’m in my 60’s.   

And on other side notes, there with all this being said, there is something that I’ve noticed about myself that I never have in any other relationship.  I’m scared.  I don’t mean scared to give myself to someone, or whatever the phrase should be, but I find myself scared that things are so good, something bad will happen.  I don’t like bringing up past with me, but there have always been obstacles since my college that things keep happening, mom gets sick, dad is no longer here, friend steals ATM, my grandpa, (obstacles). Sometimes when Steve says “when we are old” immediately I think “will I be old? will I live to be? will he live to be” I think in the back of my head I’ve convinced myself that something is going to happen because thats what happened in my family.  I dont know if this makes sense to anyone, but its something i *never* thought about until recently.  why am I thinking this way?  I know *why* I am, but how am I going to get myself past thinking this logic.

I have also vowed to make a pact with myself starting monday to get my asthma under control.  After hiking up a hardly large hill, I found myself out of breath.  I’m supposed to use my inhaler twice a day for the rest of my life, it shouldn’t seem that hard, but its just something that I’ll have to wake up a few min. earlier to do. I know in the long run that it’ll be better for me. 

Well its about that time…almost 5.  I’ll have to blog later