Ang’s Rants and Raves

To add to my previous blog, Char asked for more clarification on growing up as an only child.  I remember being little and constantly people telling me I’m automatically “spoiled” all the time, even tho, my dad went through jobs like water and constantly getting laid off from most of them and I was getting garage sale clothes from my grandparents and the lions club had to pay for my first pair of glasses when i was 6 because my family’s income was so low. But because there was only one of me, it automatically comes w/the territory.   I remember family get togethers when my mom’s side of the family there is my two cousins that are sisters.  To this day they are hooked together like glue (even with one 22, other 16).  I always feel like the odd man out, I end up hanging w/the “old folks”.  My Dad’s side was just like this as well, up until the last few years when more of us tend to mingle a little more. 

Elaine also left a comment that coincides right with mine.  My mom is all I have now.  Whenever there are family functions such as weddings, funerals, showers, you name it, i’m expected to be there.  My cousins always seem to get ouf of it, but no, my mom doesn’t want to go by herself. It’d sure be nice if I had some other person to share this with.  I am contantly smothered to no end rate. Like Elaine, I have also had several comments about how often my mother calls me a day. There is no one else.  Just like Elaine’s functions with her grandma, I’m the same way with my grandparents as well.  Dad isn’t here to help, so now I’m called to come.  It’s not that I don’t love my family, but I’ve always wanted a younger brother or sister.  With me, I hate living alone. I’ve never had the chance to fight with brothers or sisters or get teased, etc.  I never had anyone to play with as well and so I’ve always found activities to do on my own.  I think thats why the best time i had was when I lived with three girls, it was like having sisters.  They fought, stole my clothes, gave me flowers when i was sad, , etc.  2 of the 3 were also only children and we always talked about how much it sucked.  Heather’s mom died at 18 and her dad is the same way my mom is with me.  Tina’s never known her Dad and her mom is the same way with her–completely smothered. 

I look at the way Amy is so close to her 3 other sisters and I tend to get a little jealous.  They are all there for each other, praise each others lifes, and can still have tats every now and then.  If I never get married or have kids, I’ll never have nieces and nephews to spoil. Steve is also close with his siblings and how happy he is when he’s around his younger sister… Those are just a few of the little things that make up the big things.  I also felt guilty moving to kzoo, pressured that I don’t come home enough, etc. 

This isn’t something that I contantly dwell about, but right around now I feel so much weight with things happening in my life where the feelings come up.  I actually told my parents at once how unhappy I was that they never had another.  Only at age 13 did I get asked if I wanted another one, or thinking of adopting.. at that point with such a big age difference, the topic seemed to just disappear. 

I haven’t posted on here in awhile.  I’ve been also using my myspace blog for a few things.  The girl party went down as a success and you can read about it on myspace blogs posted from Elaine, Kristen, and Lori.  For some reason,  this week seems to be my I don’t feel like doing anything week.  I’m feeling a little overwhelmed…Last night I cleaned the house and still have my room and the basement and my front closet is overflowing with junk I just threw in their to get out of the way….  The basement is scary.  That might take me into two half days to get clean.  Every time I go down there my socks end up getting super dirty. I wanted to really pimp it out and give it a awesome place to go into, but I’m feeling like whats the point?  April is already here and I only have 3 more months left til the lease is up.  that’ll be here before i know it–which is just another topic that i am avoiding like the plague.   

Lots of things have been going through my head about my life in general. My grandma is sick with pnemonia and my mom has been having a hard time managing work, and taking care of them, leaving her with no room to do anything on her own.  It’s going to be a huge responsibility getting them into a new place and out of their big 5 bedroom farm house…just the thought.  I  may have to put my time on hold to go help them as nobody else seems to want to deal with it all.  Sometimes I hate being an only child more than anything and that feeling comes up more so in the last 3 years then when i was little.  I have lots of friends who are only children, but for me, I seem to feel like i’m the only one that completely resents my parents from having another.

Nothing much to say except I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORED.  it’s only 10:15a.m.  This day is going to be a long one.  ugh! 

Most people fear the dentist, I fear the eye doctor.  Yet again, my fears have come again.  My eyes have changed…now only have they changed, they did dramatically.  At least this time, I didn’t lose my emotions.  Last year I started crying and ask the doctor if I was going blind.  He said no, you already are blind.  My eyes went from -7.5 to a -9.5 thats a HUGE jump over the last six months.

This is the 2nd doctor who told me i shouldn’t read as much as possible or use my vision as much.  Hense, no computer work after work, etc. That its a strain on my eyes.  This is a HUGE annoyance for me.  Don’t read?? Why don’t you just put me on disability.  Two doctors ago, i was told I need to get a job out in a field, or something that doens’t require to use my eyes.  What job these days DONT use a computer?   I’m so frustrated.  I’ve had glasses since I”ve been in 1st grade and every year they’ve changed. There is only a 3 year gap in my life from 21-23 that my eyes didn’t change.

This doctor is telling me its the type of contacts I”m using–they are too big for my eye.  I’ve worn these lenses since I”ve been 15 and out of the 10 doctors i’ve gone to, not one suggested that. He immediately made me take them out and throw them out.  Throw them out! i kept saying “what??” I paid $150 for these suckers and you want me to just throw them out?? ugh. my stomach was sick after that.

He then said that my dreams of having lasik surgery were squashed. It seems that people are having problems that had lasik 8 years ago and are having to get cornea transplants.  UGH.  The older I get, the more upset I become.  I ran home afterwards and cried for 45 minutes.  One more change and they don’t sell my contacts any higher and i”ll be back in glasses.  My glasses are a -12 which suck even more. 

Yup this is a complete whining blog, but maybe once I get this out I can relax.  I have to go back next week and my mom wants to come with me.  She thinks I”m too emotional to speak up and that she wants to talk to the doctor.  We’ll see how that pans out.

This weekend Steve and I took a drive to Northern Indiana since the weather was sooo nice.  It’s nice to have the radio off and to just enjoy the roads and countryside.  I started thinking about animals (of course).  Steve laughed because I was thinking about Zeke’s back feet and how they look like a bunny rabbit, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.  Thus, he has been nicknamed “bunny or bugs” and still responds when I call him that and his name.

Isn’t it funny how people understand each others language, but we can’t with animals. Maybe thats why I like being around them so much, you have to communicate with them through expressions, touch, and sounds. Words can be just that–words, but its nice to still be able to use other senses in order to get across…such as a dog that licks your face, you just know they love you.  You can tell when an animal is happy, sad, etc. and yet there is still no words said out loud.

I really don’t have much more to say than this.  Sometimes, I like animals better than people just because of this. 

It’s friday and ipod day!  i am soooooooooooooooooo tired.  Last night I had a horrible migraide.  the worst I’ve had in AGES.  I felt sick to my stomach before i ate, ate my dinner, and apparently that didn’t agree with me, because up it came.  It wasn’t fun. 

I don’t like living alone.  I’ve done it before and this week I feel like I remember what its like.  My roommate hasn’t slept at our place but once this week.  I hear our neighbor as if she is in our place due to the hardwood floors and thin walls, that I hardly sleep.  Last night I was soooo tired from my head pounding, but couldn’t sleep, thinking someone was in the basement all the time.  I bet I slept 4 hrs and soooo paying for it today–waking up to a migraide isn’t fun either.  It’s going to be a long day at work! 

This ALWAYS happens.  I have this wonderful blog typed up and bam! stupid pop up blocker or I forget I have this window up, open an email and click on the link and completely lose my blog.  That sucker took me 20 min. to type up and here I am back at square one. 

Topic: What do I want to do with my life.

It’s really hard to define what makes you happy.  For some, its a given, or almost a natural thing.  After having this topic come up with Steve, I realize that there are things that make me happy, but what “ultimately” makes me happy.  I love animals, but at the same time, I could never be a vet or even work at an office because I would be sad if one came in that was dying, or run over by a car, etc.  I couldn’t handle it myself.  I think I’m just too emotional to be in a job like that.  Volunteering at a shelter, I know I’d want to take all of them home.  I get attached to easily.  I love going to zoo’s, but just don’t think I’d want to work at one. 

I feel like I need to focus on something part-time. Try it out, see what happens.  I don’t know if the things i’m interested in are something that I just like to do, or something that is what makes me “me”.  I was happiest when I was 18, taking a modern dance class, playing tori, I actually wrote a few songs, but am sad to say I have yet to of found my music. I can see the sheet music in my head that I actually composed, but  didn’t find it when i went home last weekend, being aroundn animals, and working out.  So I’ve been slowly checking into these things again.

there are many dance co’s around the area.  After looking at all the websites, it looks like if  you get involved in dance, its on a fall basis and lasts for fall and winter.  The price is absolutely out of this world!  $55 a week! a WEEK!  amazing. I wonder how many ppl pay that.  So my next step is to look at emu or another community college outside of AA.  I think thats half my problem.  AA is so ritzy they prob. pay that to get into dance.  I’m also worried that my age is against me when I got to dance co.  (of course unless i want to take swing or ballroom-but realy have no interest in that).

Next is piano.  I looked at purchasing a keyboard… the cost again is more higher than expected.  I don’t want a cheap one or expensive, and middle of the road is still going to cost me.  I think at thsi point I am struggling one what I”m going to do.  My absolute #1 goal this year is to see if I’m a candidate for lasik.  If I am, the procedure could cost me $5,000.  I really need to weigh out my needs and wants at this point.

Finally there is working out. I would love to be an aerobic instructor but I’m not sure the steps on how to get certified.  I know there is also a major for this in college as well, and not sure if having 4 years of college is something that peaks my interest . It’s something I do after work, but I don’t know as if its something I “want” to do full time.  (can you be full time in reality?)

so here I am. Contemplating everything.  I never took a career test in high school and wish I could so that I could at least get lured in the right direction.  I know what I”m doing now, is something I dont want to be doing 3-4 years from now.  It’s not going after it thats a problem, its the realization of WHAT you want out of life is more the challenge.  After you realize it, then you can take your next steps.  Thats why I’m flustered.