Little things.
There are lots of little things that have had me thinking in the last few days. I feel lucky that I’ve met someone so compatible as me. I’m lucky that even after a year, I have grown closer to my boyfriend more than I ever could imagine. In my past, its always been the opposite, you grow apart. We still hold hands, he still asks me to marry him every other day. I couldn’t be luckier.
Steve and I have our “tuesday walks” where we walk around his and my neighborhood. We’ve been looking at some houses and its so nice to finally be in a relationship where that person’s outlook is exactly like yours. We both like the same houses, the park that was in front fo the ones that was for sale, it really puts my mind at ease knowing that I will be living life the way I always loved it to be. In the past relationship, I knew I’d end up at a house on a lake, prob. in dept with all the “toys” that were purchased and not happy Yes, I can say that now with ease, but it just took me a long time to realize the “it” that I was missing.
I believe a phrase came up “settle down”. I don’t even see myself in a “settle down” mode. I take that definition and someone doing the norm, getting married, having kids, and not doing anything else for themselves anymore. I don’t ever want to consider myself “settled down” even if I’m in my 60’s.
And on other side notes, there with all this being said, there is something that I’ve noticed about myself that I never have in any other relationship. I’m scared. I don’t mean scared to give myself to someone, or whatever the phrase should be, but I find myself scared that things are so good, something bad will happen. I don’t like bringing up past with me, but there have always been obstacles since my college that things keep happening, mom gets sick, dad is no longer here, friend steals ATM, my grandpa, (obstacles). Sometimes when Steve says “when we are old” immediately I think “will I be old? will I live to be? will he live to be” I think in the back of my head I’ve convinced myself that something is going to happen because thats what happened in my family. I dont know if this makes sense to anyone, but its something i *never* thought about until recently. why am I thinking this way? I know *why* I am, but how am I going to get myself past thinking this logic.
I have also vowed to make a pact with myself starting monday to get my asthma under control. After hiking up a hardly large hill, I found myself out of breath. I’m supposed to use my inhaler twice a day for the rest of my life, it shouldn’t seem that hard, but its just something that I’ll have to wake up a few min. earlier to do. I know in the long run that it’ll be better for me.
Well its about that time…almost 5. I’ll have to blog later
